'Tis So Sweet

I love contemporary music but I do have a soft spot in my heart for some of the older hymns; hymns that I grew up hearing while sitting in the pew at church with my parents or songs I would hear my mom singing as she would wash dishes or fold clothes.  This week I've had the song 'Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus fresh on my mind.  

I'll admit that I don't know all the words but I do know the first verse;

'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take Him at His Word;
Just to rest upon His promise, 
And to know, "Thus saith the Lord!"

  Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him
  How I've proved Him o'er and o'er;
  Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
  Oh, for grace to trust Him more!

I can't really explain why this song has been on my heart, I don't recall hearing it recently.  I was thinking about that this week, wondering why I just started humming that tune and I thought of Luke 6:45 which says that out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.  

I'm not a fan of resolutions at New Years, but this year I decided to try and be thankful for what I do have.  I've noticed a trend in myself the past few years that a lot of my discontentment came from focusing on what I didn't have and lamenting that to God like a spoiled child.  This year I decided that I was going to attempt to have a thankful heart for what God has blessed me with.  For example, I may not love where I live but I do have a job that I honestly enjoy and a job that allows me to be involved in something so much greater than myself. 

I don't say that for you to think, "oh, look at her and look at what she's doing" I mess up way more than I would care to admit and I fight daily with my inner spoiled child but when that song came across my heart this week I thought that maybe it was a little glimpse into what living a fully surrendered life to God looks like.  I don't have everything that I want but I think the sweetest thing about trusting in Jesus is that I know I don't have to do anything to get good gifts from my Father.  Resting in His Ephesians 3:20 promise that he is able to do far more abundantly than all we ask or think I know that the things that I wish for myself will pale in comparison to what God wants to do in my life if I just give him the reigns.  

So for now I'll continue humming this tune and praying that God will continue to give me glimpses of His glory along the way.  

When the World Attacks

I have some thoughts that I want to share as I sit here on the eve of moving into my third home in a town that i've only lived in for 8 months.  Please disregard the inevitable rambling to ensue...

Three weeks ago today I came home from a work assignment to find that my house had been broken into.  The past three weeks have been kind of a blur as i've dealt with police reports, insurance claims and dotting all the i's and t's in filling out the paperwork to move into my new apartment.  One thing that has not been a blur is how loud the voice of God has been to me through this whole process.  I didn't have to look far to find His hand calming me in the midst of the madness.

I can't really explain the utter fear that went through me when I looked at the muddy footprint on my front door and saw that my door was ajar.  I sat in my car for about 30 minutes waiting for the police, my mind spinning wondering what was gone, what was damaged and trying to figure out how I was ever going to sleep/feel safe in this house again.  As I walked through my house and saw my belongings thrown about I was overwhelmed to say the least.  I felt attacked by the same people that I felt called to reach and I immediately started doubting that I was in the place I should be.  That evening I couldn't leave South Carolina quick enough.  I wanted to be home, I wanted to be with my family and I wanted to run far and fast away from all that had happened.  That weekend I dreaded Sunday morning because I knew that I would have to go back to South Carolina and back to unknown circumstances.  I had no idea where I was going to live and what I was going to do about moving out of my home that I had just moved into 4 weeks earlier.

Sunday morning, against my own desires, I got in my car at 4:30am and headed back to South Carolina.  All day Sunday I was surrounded by people who asked me how I was and offered any help they could offer.  I was overwhelmed at the sincerity of the people that God had placed around me.  The message at church that day was exactly what I needed to hear.  The statement that caught my attention the most was that if you've felt attacked that it's just the enemy trying to distract you from what God has called you to because the enemy knows that you're on the brink of a break through and he wants to distract you from that.  I felt in my heart that God was speaking straight to me in that statement.  I felt as if He was saying that He knows what I'm going through and that I just need to keep going.  As I meditated on that thought throughout the week I found myself coming back to this truth...that Jesus was attacked by the same people that He came to save but he chose to forgive and keep true to His purpose.  I am called to be like Christ and to mirror the examples He set and I have no other choice but to pick up the pieces of what happened and keep moving.  Doubting myself and doubting my calling is exactly what the enemy wanted and I can't let that happen.

God has surrounded me with the most amazing reminders of his love throughout this entire process.  From co-workers, friends and family helping me pick my stuff up and pack up my stuff to the offers of rooms to stay until my apartment became open; God has proved over and over what Romans 8 promises in verse 31, "What then shall we say to these things?  If God is for us, who can be against us?"  What the enemy meant to tear me down, God has used to build me up to place higher than where I was before.  Even though I don't fully understand why this happened or the full extent of the good to come from it I know that God has taught me so much about Himself and if God allowed this to happen in order to get my attention and teach me some things then that is fine with me.  I am a better person because of it and I will take what i've learned and apply that to situations I face in the future.

This song that we've been singing recently at church has become my anthem.  You can listen to it here.  It is called You Make Me Brave and the lyrics of this song call out to me where I am and remind me that God makes me brave, he calls me out of my comfort so that I can experience more of Him, more of his Grace and Love, more than I ever though possible.  At the core, once you strip away the layers of emotion and uncertainty, I have seen God work in my life in ways that I would have never been able to see if the robbery hadn't happened; it's through that light that I can safely say that my house being broken into was a good thing.  Without it I wouldn't have had the opportunity to see God work miraculously in my life and I can walk forward knowing that God is for me, He wants the best for me and that the best is always yet to come.

A look back at 2013

With this post I will join a host of others who are penning their experiences over the past year.  A look back is healthy and also a good way of seeing where you were and how far you've come.  2013, for me was a year of ups and downs.

My family started off the year on the heels of extreme loss, every day seemed to be a painful reminder that my sweet nephew was not with us.  Also, the end of the 2012 I took a huge step and quit my job, changed schools and moved back to Asheville.  Not really sure what 2013 had in store for me, I was optimistic and pretty much open to any opportunity that came my way, although some opportunities required more encouragement than others.  My roommate was rather good at finding odd jobs for me!

February 2013 I had to say goodbye to my sweet little dog Jasmine, the end had come for her but she was a fighter and forced me to make one of the toughest decisions I've ever had to make.  I had to choose to put her to sleep because of her congestive heart failure, I knew it was best thing for her albeit the hardest thing for me.  You can read more about my sweet girl here.

May 29, 2013 I left for Arica, Chile to spend the summer there with my brother.  It was a once in a lifetime opportunity for me, and I went with no expectations, open handed and open to new experiences.  God showed me so much of himself this past summer.  He showed me how He loves me, how He hasn't forgotten me and how I should love others.  Loving others isn't easy but 1 John 4 teaches us that we love because we were first loved.  Love transpires in different ways.  This summer I loved my brother, held is hand and hugged him through tough moments.  I find it hard to love in silence but there are times when silent presence is the best.  I also was given the tremendous privilege of loving on children at the children's home in Arica.  My love for them was not expressed in silence but rather in laughter, hugs and playing.  Even though it was for a short time, I pray that the moments I shared with the kids showed God's love to them.  Let them know that they aren't forgotten and that they do have a God that loves them.

I returned back to the US on August 29 and walked right into chaos.  My two best friends were getting married within a week of each other and I was thrown right in the middle of wedding planning and fretting.  I loved being a part of each of their days and i'm thankful that God got my attention a few months earlier while sitting on the coast of Chile, so that I could truly be happy for them and not bitter about being the one that's still single ;-)

One of the most amazing things to happen for me in 2013 was an answered prayer that God would open a door for me to work at NewSpring Church.  NewSpring is a church that I care deeply about and one that has helped to truly awaken the way that I view my relationship with Christ and what that means in my everyday walk with Him.  For years I had dreamed about working in a ministry like NewSpring.  I knew that I was called to work in ministry and I knew that I wanted to work in IT but I just wasn't sure what that looked like.  When I moved back from Raleigh in 2012 I started serving at NewSpring with the production team and eventually with the IT department.  I loved the atmosphere there and I knew that I wanted to be there.  In October 2013 I was hired on a part-time temporary contract with the intention of it going full-time permanent.  It did just that earlier than expected and I started my full-time permanent position with the church on December 1 as the IT Purchasing Coordinator.  I love what I get to do, I love going to work and I love the people I work with.  Sometimes I have to pinch myself because I can't believe that I get to serve here, use my talents here and be a part of the incredible movement happening at NewSpring.  I am undeserving and incredibly blessed.

Looking back at 2013 tells a story like this...I cleaned toilets, sold crappy dolls, traveled all summer, said goodbye to single friends, welcomed my newest little nephew, Benjamin, and began working in my dream job.  I started 2013 confused, shook up and little worried that I made the wrong decision in moving, but each step of faith that I took, God provided.  I'm ending 2013 with a thankful heart.  Thankful that he has shown and proved His love for me with every step I took.  I'm happy that 2014 seems to be starting on a quieter note, but that doesn't mean that it will come without troubles and I know it will have troubles of its own.  With a better understanding of the God that I serve I walk into 2014 eager to overcome, passionate to represent and expectant of what God wants to show me in the next 365 days.

Kiddie Pool Theology

For those that know me or for those that at least follow me on Facebook, you know I love to travel.  One of my favorite trips is my yearly trip to the beach with my girlfriends.  Over the years the trip has evolved and changed as some of us have gotten married and started having children.  We used to lay out on the beach all day, without a care but now we spend more time at the kiddie pool and we are more structured in our schedules.  One particular day as I lounged in the kiddie pool with my friend and her daughter God showed me something.  If you've known me for any amount of time you know that God sometimes shows me things in uncommon ways.  In this kiddie pool there was a water feature that would fill up with water and then when the bucket was full it would turn and dump the water out.  The photo below will hopefully allow you to follow this illustration a little more.  As the water fills the circles, they dump out just like the one in the foreground of this photo.

As I sat there in the kiddie pool I observed this little girl, probably about 7-8 years old and she wanted the water to dump on her head.  She would look and study and run around to each water bucket in hopes that she would get there at just the right time for the water to dump on her.  She sometimes judged it correctly, but more times than not she was constantly running around in a circle around this water feature with no success.  She would stand and wait under a bucket she thought would soon turn over, once she felt she had waited long enough she would run across to another bucket she thought would give results sooner only to have the bucket she had waited under for so long to dump out moments after she left.

God showed me something on this Summer afternoon, this is exactly what many of us do, me included when we look to God to meet our needs.  We pray and plan and come up with a perfect schedule for how we think things should look.  We wait, sometimes not so patiently, but many times we just give up and take matters into our own hands and look for an easy way out and turn to any source that looks like it will give us better, quicker results.  What we sometimes miss is the fact that God has so much more in store for us than we ever knew, and we miss out on those blessings simply because we become impatient.

In my own walk I think that I have to remind myself that just because things don't work out like I had planned doesn't mean that the opportunities that are given to me are bad.  I have to let go of what I think things should look like and be open to what God may be wanting to show me through what He is allowing in my life rather than focusing on what I don't have.  On Monday I will be starting a new job, a job that i've been waiting on for a long time.  I am excited about working with a ministry that I truly believe in, although the details of this job are somewhat different from what I had envisioned.  Instead of a full-time permanent position I am working part-time on a 3 month contract. I'll be living in between two cities and probably paying more money in filling up my gas tank than I will be spending on groceries.  I don't understand why this job has happened this way but through past experiences I've learned patience.  God has provided for me, He has provided a place to rest my head in both cities, for the nights that I will be in each.  He has provided me a reliable car so that I am able to make the commute necessary.  He has provided a salary that will allow me to put gas in the tank and food on the table.  Because God has provided, I know that He has a plan.  A plan that is much larger than me and a plan much greater than the plan that I originally laid out for myself.  A plan that I'm willing to rest in, even though the water in my bucket may be coming a little slower than I anticipated.  

I can't find adequate words...so here are some photos!

I've been back in the United States for a little over a month now and although I am happy to be back home I still find myself missing Chile!  More times than not I have a hard time answering people when they ask me how my summer was.  Don't get me wrong, I want to talk about it, I enjoy talking about it! But to me I just can't find the words to fully give my 3 months experience justice.  I usually resort to saying something to the effect of "It was great" or "It was a once in a lifetime experience" but to me I feel that I'm doing my experience a huge injustice.  I just can't seem to find the words to express all that I saw, experienced, tasted, touched and loved during the three months I was there!  So I've decided to try to say what I want to say through photos and maybe you can also get a glimpse of what my summer was like...of course these don't represent a full sum total of my summer experiences but its a start!!

3010 Espana...The Hizzy

The street I lived on, I couldn't walk down this path without dogs barking as a I passed every gate.
Some were nice barks, most were mean.

I helped nurse Maddie back to health after she was spayed.  It wasn't my fault that she tore her stitches out...twice!

I was put in jail in an abandoned mining town...

I walked across a random swinging bridge.  When I inquired about the safety of the bridge my brother told me, "It's OK, it won't hurt if you fall."  Thanks Bro. 

I saw my name written on the bridge...spelled with a K...I knew it was safe for me to cross :-)

I found the largest Coca-Cola logo in the world...made of stones on the side of the mountain!

I saw how they make traditional empanadas..they were SO good!!

I experienced the joy of a full-on kid pile.  Even though I wasn't under this particular pile, It was hard to take a photo of myself while under attack :-)  No wonder we always came back home feeling like we had been defeated!!

One of these is not like the others...

Some really cool people I now call my friends

Enjoyed a bonfire at the beach where we introduced the Chileans to S'mores and we sang worship songs in both English and Spanish!

At that same bonfire we shared Communion...it was a very special time and one of my favorite moments!

My last Saturday there we did Karaoke after the Jovenes Bible Study...my brother ended up singing Celine Dion.
  

And I fell in love.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about and pray for these special kids!

I have so many more photos.  The food, people, places, the kids; I will always be eager to share.  This summer was special for many reasons, God showed me so many things about His character, His promises and His love for us.

The Children...

I've posted about my travels and I've posted about my weird encounters but one thing I haven't posted about is my time at the Children's home. Mainly because I don't know what to say.  We are known as the tia's who speak English, and when I hear from other people that the kids ask where we are when we aren't there, it warms my heart but also breaks it.  When I go to the home I feel like i'm going to fight a battle; earrings are removed and hair is pulled up.  I return home looking like i've lost the battle; hair a mess, covered in slobber and more times than I'd probably like to admit, I've been peed on.  I wish I could share with you my photos of the bright smiling faces of the kids but in order to keep them safe I'm not able to do so over social media.  

I wish I could take them all home with me.  Give them simple things they crave like to be held or hugged.  To be told they are loved and that someone cares.  I struggle with the reality that these kids are being raised in a government system.  Yes, they are getting their basic needs met but to me that's not enough.

When I pick up one child and have the other children pushing, kicking and crying to be next it breaks my heart.  When I try to put a child down so that I can pay attention to as many as possible and they try their hardest to not let me go, it breaks my heart.  Sometimes I just sit in the floor and let them crawl all over me.  Yes I sometimes get a shoe to the face and at times I don't think I'll ever be able to escape from all the arms and legs trying to hold me down.  But its those moments that I don't want to end.  I go to the home to love on the kids but I end up being the one who feels loved, needed and wanted.  My hands are tied as to what I can do for the kids.  I can't take them home, I can't change their situations but I can love on them while I'm here.

One of the biggest questions I ask and will never get an answer for is, Why?  Why are kids born into these situations?  They didn't ask for it, they did nothing wrong, but why are they the ones suffering for other peoples mistakes and mis-judgments.  The only answer that I can find is that we live in fallen world.  Sin enters the picture and everything that God made in perfection is broken.  I try not to look down on the parents of the kids.  If it wasn't for God's grace, I could have easily been in their shoes, having to let the government care for my children until I get my life straight.  That is the hope that I have for the children at the home.  I pray that their parents will be able to take them back, provide a safe home for them and raise them like children should be raised.  For those that are in the system for life, I pray that they will be adopted into a loving, forever family.

Let me share with you a little about these sweet kiddos...of course I won't use their names :)

A is one of my favorites.  I know I shouldn't have favorites but its hard not to.  Some of the kids are happy to entertain themselves and get occasional accolades from you.  Others require more attention and attack you the moment you walk through the door of the play room.  A likes to cuddle.  I love it when he first sees me walk in the room because his eyes light up and he runs right to me.  He likes me to pick him up and carry him like he's an airplane, buzzing through the sky.  Last week I asked him if he was my friend and his eyes lit up, he nodded and then hugged me then just stayed there, with his head on my shoulder.  Another game of ours is for me to hold him and he'll yell "Tia!" and I'll pretend like i'm going to drop him but then I catch him real fast.  He laughs so hard.

B is a sweet little girl.  I have only been there with her once but that brief encounter with her was a substantial one.  She is latino with light auburn colored hair.  I was playing with some of the kids and I felt tugging on the leg of my pants and I looked down and she was looking up at me, crying, screaming "Mamà" all while holding her arms straight up in the air. It caught me off guard I picked her up and she was instantly quiet.  The rest of my time there that day she was glued to me.  Lesley ended up holding her at one point but came over to me with B in her arms and told me that B had told her that she wanted me to hold her.

C and D are brothers.  C is the oldest and won't talk except to call on me and once he told me he wanted some water but that's the extent of his talking.  He follows me around and laughs when I mimic the sounds of monkeys or chickens.  He also laughs when I speak English to Blake or Lesley.  It's the good laugh too, like a big chuckle.  D is the younger brother and he will talk and play.  Both C and D enjoy tossing and kicking a ball around but there is usually a constant battle between D and A for me to hold them.

E is a cute little girl.  When I'm holding her she'll just look at me, smile, and say "abrazo".  I hug her and she laughs and that's the extent of it.  I just hug her over and over.

F is a kid that likes to ride this little fire truck around the play room.  He's pretty content to just ride around and observe but every so often I catch up with him and stick my foot in the path of the truck without him knowing and it brings his ride to an abrupt halt.  When he sees what's stopping him he looks at me and smiles really big and then pedals harder to get free.

I could go on but I hope you the picture...these kids are precious and deserve so much more than the hand they've been dealt.  Pray for these kids and for their families that there will be closure, reconciliation and that the needs of the kids will be put first.  

God is Multilingual!

One of the things that has been inhibitive to me during my tenure in Arica has been the language.  I prepared by starting Rosetta Stone before coming here and it helped but my conversational Spanish is far from where it needs to be.  I can understand more when standing on the outside of conversations or when i'm reading.  I have a really hard time identifying what people are asking or saying to me, partly because I can't think in Spanish as fast as they can speak it.

Church is usually the hardest for me, I sing along because the words are projected on the wall and I rarely recognize the song unless its an old hymn.  The times I do recall the words I will sometimes sing the English words just because it's easier for me to do so.  I always felt on the outside of worship services because although I could read the words to the songs, I didn't always know exactly what I was saying.  This Sunday though that changed for me,  during praise and worship we sang a song that I am familiar with and one that I love, "Worthy is the Lamb."  I have this song on my iPod and I am very familiar with the words and message of the song.  I felt that while singing the song in Spanish I was really worshipping because for the first time in 6 weeks I understood exactly the words and message of the song.  During that time though I felt God tell me that he had heard and understood me all along.  It was then that I was reminded that worship is a heart matter and not dependent on words coming out of our mouth, but rather the condition of the heart we approach our Creator with.

"...For the Lord sees not as man sees;

man looks on the outward appearance,

but the Lord looks on the heart."

1 Samuel 16:7

I was reminded that worship isn't just songs we sing on Sunday but the way we live our lives every single day.  It's how we treat others, how we respond to those who speak against us and how we live our life, etc.  God sees our hearts, God understands me whether I'm singing word for word in English with total comprehension or if I'm singing in broken Spanish just grasping the gist of the message of the song.  Entering worship with a heart of thanksgiving, a heart of humbleness and a heart of complete surrender, even if we don't fully understand the words we speak; God sees us, hears us and loves us all the same.

"My son, be attentive to my words; 

incline your ear to my sayings.

Let them no escape from your sight;

keep them within your heart.

For they are life to those who find them,

and healing to all their flesh.

Keep your heart with all vigilance,

for from it flows the springs of life."

Proverbs 4:20-23